The Liminal Guardian

The first time I met Rocky McBain, he came down the stairs for breakfast and his first words were: “Well, what are we going to do about money!?”, looking at everybody with bright steely eyes, demanding answers. He was energetic, middle-aged, with short-cropped hair. Wearing jeans and a checkered shirt. Boisterous, self-confident, and serious. But he also could be exasperated when his calls to action were ignored by friends and colleagues. If nothing worked, he rolled up his sleeves and did it himself. He was a boot-strapper. Even if it meant digging a ditch or loading a truck. His attitude was never to wait for anyone to solve a problem. Rocky McBain was a pragmatist, a believer that things required fixing. So, he fixed them.

Later, I discovered that he had starred in an Oliver Stone movie some decades back. Rocky McBain was an actor and underneath his everyday clothing his body was muscled and powerful. He worked out daily with enormous self-discipline. He would arrive on set in olive-green fatigues, sunglasses and in a red convertible, all of which spelled a “fuck you” attitude. He was a method actor, which matched his belief that everything worth doing required effort and would prepare rigorously and for months for his roles. He was put off by the younger actors, who would intuit their characters, and for whom it seemed effortless. This lack of effort is what he resented and therefore usually kept to himself. His physicality and masculinity had enabled him to star as a soldier in action movies. Now he had gotten a shot a comedy. Not quite his station, and he was aware that his name and status was being exploited by the production. But he was also a realist and told himself: “Why not?”. In time he would warm up to his peers, and he would overlook their unwillingness to “put their back into anything”. When Rocky loosened up, he could be charming, tell stories and be fun to be around with.

Due to his experience, Rocky McBain had a certain authority, which he assumed sometimes with better and worse results. Sometimes this was respected, sometimes less. He could also be very distinguished, if circumstances demanded, in such cases he took a back seat to the action and interjected only now and then his ideas and decisions when needed. He then appeared more cultured, well-travelled, and less prone to impatience. Less attached to the work in front of him.

Only much later I understood that Rocky was my liminal guardian.

Rocky guided me through the first steps into the liminal world, he showed me how to have an experience in that world. He explained to me what laws govern it, how it manifests and how relationships are formed. Rocky was much more courageous than me, and because of that helped me overcome my fears. I was grateful for that, and I was fond of him. He made me laugh, and I was proud of him.

But from the beginning, I was also uneasy with Rocky McBain. Considering the unlimited possibilities, he appeared limited in what he could do, in how he viewed the world. He did change his shape and form several times, and this was very fascinating to watch and even insightful. But it was always Rocky McBain at the core. I knew I had to shake him but had no clue how.

In general, the Liminal Guardian appears in a form we admire and aspire to be. He (or she) promises us success and shows us how to solve problems and to understand the world. He is much more creative than we are, and generally alluring, with a lot of warmth and affection. He is a shapeshifter and displays an illusion of possibilities. We feel liberated when spending time with him. But also, by interacting with the guardian, we understand ourselves better.

However, he doesn’t like to be questioned and neither do we, should an outsider attempt to question his character. The relationship therefore is one of reciprocity: The liminal guardian protects us, and we protect him. Why question an entity which is so helpful and good to us?

I was tired of Rocky. I had enough of him. I had to let him go. And once I became aware of that. It happened.

A crisis emerged - a situation of absolute failure. It was a catastrophe in which the Rocky was helpless. A liminal purgatory. It’s agonizing to witness the guardian despair.

In that moment Rocky McBain disappeared. As that happened, the feeling of terror receded, something else stepped into its place: delight.

Rocky McBain is gone.

I am much better off without him.